I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Randomize
