i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
