Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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