Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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