I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
