you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
