i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Randomize
