she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
