Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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