you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
