Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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