Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
wanna go halves on a baby?
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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