thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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