okay pat passed out under dana's car
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Randomize
