You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
