I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
