$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
