I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
