she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
