I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
