what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
