party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
