Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
