to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Randomize
