dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Randomize
