It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
