she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
