1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
