Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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