I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
