i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
