UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Randomize
