Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
