how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
