All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
