just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
