He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
