enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
