he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Randomize
