why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
