is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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