I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
