i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
