I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
