I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Randomize
