ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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