Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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