I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
