sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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