I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
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