apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
You are a booty call, not a friend.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
